sentimentality

i've decided to blog-in (the word bites) something i wrote a long time ago.

it's funny, i don't remember the exact circumstances that triggered that particular gush of sentimentality, but it was definitely not the subject of the piece below. it was someone else, and that someone still continues to haunt the hollow corridors of what passes for my life.

anyway, it's a great example of what you can do when you have entirely too much spare time on your hands.

besides, a lot of people browsing through this blog wonder about the references to angst due to love lost (or the lack thereof). i guess it's time to give them what they want. although the frame of mind which ostensibly occupied my mind at the time of writing doesn't apply anymore (and didn't even apply during the writing---i was trying to impress someone else), and hasn't been applicable for a looooong time.

haha. enjoy at my expense.

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Sat, 13 Sep 2003 15:43:37 +0100 (BST)

letter to an ex-girlfriend:

by speedy kuhol

to the bloodsuckingleechthatwasmygirlfriend (i mean this in a good way):

my mom would always say to my dad, "kung mangangaliwa ka na rin lang, please naman, pumili ka ng mas matalino sa akin in some way, ha?" of course, she wouldn't say that in our presence, since that would obviously shock us kids, but still, the point remained valid.

in the days long gone (meaning when we were still together) i always wondered, if we were no longer together, who would you replace me with? who else would give you hugs, kisses, who else would comfort you whenever you feel down or lonely? who would put up with your crankiness, your mood swings, your sudden gushes of affection?

i could think of a lot of things the next guy would have to go through, and believe me, i don't really think he's prepared to take care of you (at least not as well as i do ;) ) the way you deserve to be treated... there was always a long list of candidates who were just waiting like vultures around the door for us to fall apart. but i couldn't see anyone among them who deserved to be with you...or anyone who could make you happy.

of course, i'm biased. i like to think that i was the perfect gentleman...ha! in a perfect world. whenever i think of all the times i made you cry, of all the lies you never found out about, of what i could have done instead of what i actually did, i really regret not making most of what we had together. it's not a wish to try again, mind you, but still...i could have done a lot better if i wanted to...

i think it's part of taking you for granted. you have someone, you automatically assume that you're going to have that person forever. it seems like forever sometimes, especially when that person is shouting at you because you didn't call her last night, or is slapping you because you were staring at some other girl's boobs, or is berating you for not talking enough...but still, when it's all gone and over, you miss it. even the worst moments with that person still matter to you somehow, because no matter how much you hated that person today, you always knew, deep down inside, that you loved her, and she loved you back...

stuff like that seems so easy, just another part of the daily cycle of fights, apologies, and making out, oops, making up... it never crosses your mind that your time together is only temporary. it never lasts as long as you want it to...if i only knew that the time you spend together would be over tomorrow, would i have done things differently? would i have taken more time out to talk to you, to see you after class, to put up with your whining a bit more...?

i don't know. i'll never know, because, the time for doing so is past. and i can never take things back. and sorry to say, i wouldn't change things. i believe that we became better people, thanks to what we went through...

i learned so much from you (and i like to think the corollary is equally valid), and i've given and taken so much...we've molded each other's lives more intimately than anyone else could. whatever we've become is, in part, due to the time we shared together.

and that's why i want to say thanks. because i never did so properly. i never got the hang of gratefulness, another trait you often chided me about...but i'm trying to change for the better (emphasis on trying).

thanks for honestly loving me during that time. thanks for teaching me what it is to love someone, and be loved in return. thanks for all the hugs, kisses, useless trinkets that i still keep (unless i lost them). thanks for all the times you screamed at me, cried just to make me feel bad, fought with me just because you felt like it. thanks for being such a jealous girl, because that meant my attention was actually worth something...

thanks for teaching me to value each and every moment with someone, since we will never know when the time we can spend together will end...

thanks for being the one who taught me these things.

do i love you? i guess i still do. "i love you" is something you mean for life, but not always in the same manner, nor the same magnitude. you'll always have part of me with you (whether you like it or not), because i owe you part of what i am today...and whatever i may tell the next girl, you'll still have a special place in my heart....(as the one who taught me how to handle the next girl---kidding! =) )

yours in faith,

speedy kuhol



PS

anyway, the only reason i'm writing this is because your new boyfriend's a piece of shit, and i can't believe that you would replace me with a dick like him (although mine is obviously better) because that means we are both on the same level and i cant accept that fact that he'll only make your life miserable because he isn't actually worth your time and i believe that he is nowhere near who i am and who i became for you.

thanks.